So… I’m going along la di da thinking life is great and I’m getting a handle on all this and then suddenly wham. I read a couple new blog posts on a couple of my favorite blogs and I’m suddenly feeling like a terrible mother and person.
What the heck?
How does it go from okie dokie to totally suck in less than an hour?
Judgement. That’s how.
So here are the posts ~ they are excellent actually. The first was about big rocks, and the second is about creating a routine and rhythm in your family. As I read both of these posts I began to think things like “oh man, that’s what I want to be like”, “oh that’s what’s missing from our family”, “oh I don’t even know what my big rocks are”, “oh man I suck”, “oh man, I’m gonna ruin my kid” and it just goes downhill from there.
At which point I got depressed and realized it was lunch time so I went to the kitchen to make us some lunch. I started to notice my thoughts. I noticed a lot of thoughts that included the word “enough”. Not this enough, not that enough, not good enough, not there enough, not present enough, not organized enough, not clean enough. … I could go on, but I’ll spare you.
As I’m cooking up some bowtie pasta I start to think about what all these thoughts really mean, and what they reveal to me. You know, well maybe you don’t, me and this “enough” thing have had a long relationship. In fact, there was a point in time a couple years ago where I threw it out. I just refused to allow the word/thought of enough into my vocabulary, into my life. Life was a lot different then. I’m not sure why I ever let it back in the door. Hmmm… might be something to think about!
Enough is a little word that has enormous consequences. It is a word that is all about judgement. Nothing else. Enough is all about beating yourself up, and feeling bad about who and where you’re at right now in this moment. Enough does not lead us out of ugly places, it digs our holes even deeper.
I know this. I know this. I know this. And yet I succumb.
So as I’m stirring bowtie pasta and setting up the 8 milk jugs waititng to be recycled for Hanna to play super bowling with I think about what it is I do want. Where I want to be, what I want for our life and what I can do to make it happen. I start to think about what it is that I think I am not “enough” of, where I spend my time and energy I apparently think should be going to other places, and what if anything I can do to change the situation.
Wallowing in enough will not change anything. It will be focused and honest looking at what’s going on in my life and around me that will bring change. Some honest assessment of changes that I want or need to make, and then creating a system or a plan to help that happen.
While I know this in my head, it is so easy to put myself up against other people’s realities, or at least my perceptions of them, and of course I come out the loser. It’s so easy to see what I classify my shortcomings, or where I’m not perfect. Well hell, who is perfect. No one. I know that, and in this moment, knowing doesn’t really change anything.
End the wallow. Here’s the plan.
1. Identify some of my big rocks. The things that are the most important things in life.
2. Identify what I REALLY want in my life, what I want my day to day world to look like
3. Create an editorial calendar to make it happen (lol ~ it works on my blog!! Why won’t it work in life?)
While I’m being a little silly about the editorial calendar, it’s a good thing to loosen up with this stuff, and it’s the truth as I see it that knowing what I want or what’s missing right now is a good first step to creating a life that looks more like what I want it to be.
How to make that happen in everyday life, well, that’s another post for sure.
I’d love to know how you deal with your personal judgments. How do you figure out your big rocks? How do you fit it all in the day? Big questions… if you’ve got some answers feel free to share.